So, There He Was
“Lay Down, Brent. Just Lay Down.”
“Lay down, sleep my little darlingI’ll be nothing when you’re goneLay down just like in a coffinThen I’ll have nothing but a song”
Though this song discusses a funeral of some sort, I’m not taking it in that context. Instead, I’m using it in the context that I have to lay down. For rest. For peace. For me to make the voices in my head stop. No, not literal voice (at least not this time). Just make life slow down so I can somehow manage to catch up. It’s not going well. The only time I’ve noticed that I don’t have to pretend to be someone that I’m not is when I’m drinking. However, that is no way to go through life. I’ve been there. I lived in the bottle. Took my dumbass forever to climb back out. Yet, here I sit, about quarter after one in the afternoon debating going on a liquor run to make myself feel like me. Not who I want to pretend to be. Or who I think I should be. But the “no-holds-barred” me. I’m sure that doesn’t make any sense, but maybe it’s not supposed to. This is just a healing tool that happens to be in a somewhat open forum. Oh well. What better place to air your dirty laundry than in front of a bunch of people that may happen upon it? Fuck it. On to the next bit.
“I’ll leave you in a coffin for realAnd I’ll leave you in a church”
I’m going to take this segment as me being able to let go. Let go of all the things that I have to to be able and try to find the things in life that present joy. Happiness. All that fun shit. Until I can learn to let it all go, I can begin my march forward. Until then, I’m only going to be laying in that coffin, eyes wide open, waiting for the dirt.
“Lay down, leave, you’ll be lonelyI know I won’t goLay down, sleep, you’ll be lonelyI know I won’t go, it’s not my turn”
Going back to the previous, slightly shorter, paragraph. When moving forward, I may (or may not) have to make drastic changes. Whether it be how I react to situations, who I talk to, or whoever I keep in my life. Maybe it’s time to let some of those people go. I’ve never liked making people feel unwanted, let alone leaving them to their own devices. I don’t think this will become a reality. Only a recurring dream of a world where I’m capable of such feats.
“Lay down, this pain will be long goneWith the absence of your breathI know, I know that you loved meBut I can’t love you when you’re dead”
Maybe it is time to let some of those people that are stuck in my mind (for better or worse) become corpses rotting somewhere in my subconscious. Might help with the rest. The peace. All the shit moving into where I think I need to be. Not where I want to be.
“So I’ll leave you with this coffin for GodAnd I’ll leave you in the dirt
Lay down, leave, you’ll be lonelyI know I won’t goLay down, sleep, you’ll be lonelyI know I won’t go, it’s not my turn
Lay down, leave, you’ll be lonelyI know I won’t goLay down, sleep, you’ll be lonelyI know I won’t go
Lay down, before meI know I won’t goIt’s not my turn”
Song is by Priestess. If you haven’t heard it. Look into it. Pretty good stuff. As for the in betweens I think I’m more fucked up than I realize. In a lot of different ways. A slight smirk just now assures me that regardless of how fucked I am mentally, I still have fun. Whether it be in a cynical manner. Or actual fun. If only I could say any of this outloud. I think I’m just afraid of what people would think. Not just “people” but my friends. My family. What do I care what a stranger thinks of me? Another exciting post, I know. Some day I’ll go back to reblogging shit that makes me laugh, or smile, or reminds me of much simpler times in life.
Until the next time, be easy. Have fun. Live, laugh, love. Do what makes you happy and don’t you fucking dare let anyone tell you not to do any of the above.
I’ve learned something in the last week…
I am apparently a robot that feels absolutely no emotion. This is news to me. Hopefully all this gets figured out so I don’t have to fall back to the way I used to be.
Then again, maybe I might have to.
My name is Brent. I am 23 years old, and I live in Nebraska. During my life, I’ve noticed a few things about myself. Natural way that it works, yeh? Well, what I have come to find out is that I am considered by some as a “curse.” Or “jynx” or even a “bad omen.” I’m sure that if you’re reading this, you’re asking yourself why. Well, allow me to expand…
It has come to light recently that my current employer (for the sake of argument, and safety I will just say a cell phone carrier) is going to close my store, and turn it into a different cell store. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, except for one thing: employment. Or as the case may be, lack thereof. This is not the first time I’ve had to deal with a store closing. My previous employer actually ended up in a liqudation state, and then closing nationwide. What was my reaction to it happening? Running away to a completely different state. In hindsight, probably not the most mature way to deal with something so serious. But, I digress. The point of the story is, I think I have something either wrong with me, or I happen to choose companies that go under. Three places that I’ve worked for in the last five years have either closed while I was employed with them, or closed shortly after I left. So, 3/4. I really don’t like being at a 75% rate of having things go so south that it leaves wreckage behind. Maybe I’ll have to try and find something solid.
So, after all that being said I have until July 1st to get my act together and find something that I can finally start to grow as individual. So far, nothing entirely promising. The bright side about all this is? After having a spat with a bit of poor health, and having to take a trip to the emergency room, I have discovered the joys of having medical insurance. And I got my teeth fixed. So, there’s that. The bits and pieces are starting to fall into place. I just have to get all the major stuff adjusted to start life anew. Between a coworker and myself, we have started the process of looking at houses to begin something outside of work. Something grand. Something that we can call our own. Slowly, everything is beginning. At the same time, things are ending. How does that expression go? For every one thing that starts, another ends? Or something about windows and doors. I don’t remember.
Either way, what all this is is just to show that times are changing. Nothing can be the same. Change is inevitable, and if I can roll with the punches, I’m going to just end up getting knocked out. Oh, and speaking of knockouts, boxing training has started for me. The ultimate goal by the end of “camp” is to lose my extra weight. I’m tired of being 235lbs, and dealing with backaches, knees hurting. I want to be lean. I want to be able to defend myself if it came down to it. And most importantly, I want to be somewhat healthy. Something good might come out of it. Who knows, I might be a natural and finally get a dream accomplished of seeing my name in lights. Fighting for the world championship. Ha. A man can dream.
So, after all this I think it’s time for a “final thought” type of moment. I can’t really think of anything deep, or meaningful to say. So, I’ll leave you (anyone) with this. Take life easy. If you take too long thinking about all the what-ifs, and all the things you could’ve done— you’ll only realize you’re only as good as your mistakes. Dare to dream, and for the love of God, don’t let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do. You are only as great as you are in your mind.
And now? I feel a little bit better.
Thank you for listening, tumblr.
Someday tumblr, I will return to you. Maybe when I’m a little older. A little wiser. A little less like me. Until then, you will remain here. And I will go about my day to day trying to forget. Trying to remember. And most importantly, learning what/who the fuck I am. This journey is not over. In fact, it’s just beginning.